We're Eighteen! (Hash Trash for March 10th)
Last Month we had a curry! (The Hash Trash for February)
-oOo-
Full Moon Run No. 244
The Traitor’s Gate, Grays, Essex, 21 st January 2008
What a job it was to get out to far flung Grays, the Herts contingent of the Full Moon was whittled down to two & these guys had to set off straight from w*rk, then endure the hoards of commuters on over crowded Trains to cross London & get out on the Pitsea Train. If that wasn’t enough they had the Trail task of walking all the way from Grays station to the Traitors’ Gate, which looked deceivingly a lot closer together on the previous Full Moon Trash’s map!
On the way from the Station, Mr. X was called up by Thunderthighs as she had boarded a Train at Fenchurch street, she asked where he was & he replied “Gray! Can’t you tell by the background noise?” he thought that the whining police siren not so far off would have given his position away. She asked for him to hold up the start of the Trail, which wouldn’t be hard to do as they now needed more than one beer to quench their thirsts!
A Traitors’ Gate in Essex, was it name after the First Earl of Essex Robert Devereux? But since Panda was not present there will be no “Panda Facts” just yet! The reward for enduring the bracing cold air on the “hike” to the Pub was two fold for the H 4 duo, firstly they had “Beaten the Sock!” & secondly they had a Batemans’ Ale on!
Digger & Fergus “Fergus” M cFergus were the only two in the Bar when the Herts Lads arrived, soon Anonymous joined them, they all laughed at Digger having his hand & arm bandaged up. He said that he had been w*rking up in Edinburgh, had he strained himself tossing his caber? He really should have listened to his mother’s advice!
Digger went on to tell of going in to w*rk in Grays where they found the company van had been stolen! Surely not in Grays! Anyhow more Full Mooners arrived, Mr Arse & Kebab joined the rest for a quick pint before the off, well you wouldn’t want to run around the streets of Grays without some Dutch Courage inside!
Blow Dry & Bob de Fanny came in the Pub, they were slowly followed by steady steam of Essex Hashers who, as Smartarse predicted, obviously got fed up with standing around outside in the cold! They included Rubber Glove, Mr Wrister, Lunch Box & Zipper to name a few
Thunderthighs made it before the off, she be the sole London Hash representative on the Full Moon! Comments were made about the lack of other Herts Hashers present, Mr. X pointed out that even though Hyena & Junior weren’t present at the time, they were there in a series of photo’s adorning the Pub’s interior walls. These were pointed out to actually be Stan Laurel & Oliver Hardy, but it is an easy mistake to make!
The Sock arrived & a cheer went up, he was wearing what some called new shoes though galoshes would be more technically correct as he was sporting plastic hygienic covers over his Hash shoes, was there a foot & mouth outbreak up in Yorkshire at their AGPU? All these seemed to result in was for Windsock to shuffle around like some down & out, rustling as he went!
Eventually the Sock called for the Hash to Circle up & the Pack ventured out on to the street outside for Tops to do the Honours. The Hash were welcomed to Grays, “Hey, they can keep it!” was one backhanded comment! This week saw the return of the Sack of Shit, this was awarded to Anonymous to cover up his orange Essex T-shirt!
The Hare of Digger was introduced & he came out with a lot of hot air, not enough to warm the Pack though! He stated that this could be the shortest Full Moon Trail in its history, the Pack looked on unconvinced by this nonsense. Mr. X stated that those who had walked the P-Arrow Trail from the Station had done one Trail already!
The Pack set off to run the streets of Grays, things began with the Pack having run just a few yards to pass by the Ship Public House. Fergus & Digger were insistent that none of the Pack go in to this Pub & continue with the Trail, amazingly Windsock got past the lure of an open Pub & carried on with the Trail. Was Windsock’s effort on the Trail inspired, or even enthused, by his trip up to the Yorkshire AGPU over the weekend?
Anyhow, the Trail continued & after searching a False Trail Mr. X came up behind Blow Dry, her conversation indicated that everything was far from settle in the “de Fanny household”. The catalyst for the unrest was “He’s butchered my hair!” (He being Bob de Fanny)
Mr. X looked on at Blow Dry’s hair cut & just couldn’t see what was wrong with it, being Male he doesn’t carry a gene that would noticed that she had changed her hair! He said she was lucky that none of Herts had been let loose on her Barnet Fair! Bzzzzzzzzzzzz, I can hear the clippers now!
Meanwhile, the poor & much maligned Bob de Fanny met up with the tail of the Pack as he came back from searching a dark alley, which Digger said “I wouldn’t have gone down there if I was you!” none of which was of any consolation to Bob de Fanny! The Trail continued up the hill & turned off of the main road to disappear down the darker back streets. Bob de Fanny had now opted for the safest form of Hashing for him that night, & that was to be out on his own!
Windsock continued to amaze & astounded the Hash as he continued to trot along the Trail without breaking off on a short cut, or stopping for a drink! The Pack made their way around the seemingly quiet streets but things ground to a halt at a CHK outside of the Globe Off-licence. Mr.X looked at the ornate freezes on the exterior of this corner shop & these gave away its previous incarnation as Public House. He added that the Pack ought to go in a have a drink for “old time’s sake” & disappeared to purchase a bottle of Beer, his choice of Wychwoods’ Crop Circle seemed apt.
Mr. X emerged from the shop & cracked open the bottle, as he says “When in Rome!” (no, not drive around on scooters nicking handbags) but drink out on the streets as the local feral Neds, to use Scottish parlance for Chavs, seem to do! As if to prove this point, a group of them cycled by & shouted out “Crackheads!” as the Pack set off up the road.
Digger explained to Mr. X that he had let Kebab go off on his own & check out the road the Scangers (now Irish parlance) were on, it seems he disturbed them & they left whatever they were up to & cycled off. Some of the Pack were surprised that they didn’t bump in to Donal Macintyre out on the streets.
Mr. X wasn’t worried as he had his trusty bottle of crop circle behind his arm! He offered this to various Hashers as he followed on at the tail of the Pack to continue pounding the pavements, though they probably needed a shot of this to help them cope with the fact that the Sock was still out on the Trail!
Most of the streets appeared to be a clone of the last as the Hash made their way along the Trail, not much more of interest happened until the Pack reached an alleyway at the end of Whitehall lane. Digger explained that the locals tried to stop public access to what is a legal footpath, so the Hash were buoyed up to make a little more noise than usual as they followed the Trail between the back gardens, fenced off on either side.
The enthusiasm was obvious in the calling of “On! On!” it was along this way that Mr. X asked Mr Arse if he could use the word c*nt in this part of Essex to describe the pompous locals who actually blocked the alleyway, Ian Dury used it with every other profanity in one of his songs, Mr. Arse added you can use pricks & arseholes too! The Trail left the darkness of the unlit alley & came out under the orange sodium lighting on Overcliff road, most of the Full Mooners now had an idea of where they were as the Dust led out on to Rectory road.
The Trail turned to the right & headed off down toward Chez Fergus “Fergus” M cFergus, halfway down the residential hill the FRBs found a B.S. outside of Fergus & Digger’s abode. The Keenies waited outside in the street until “Fergus” came out to the top of the hill & called out for the others to go in for a drink with a “Do you not recognise a Beer Stop when youse sees one!” Mr. X said that that the B.S. could have meat Bull Shit! Thankfully it didn’t & the Hash scaled the few steps & through the front doorway.
The Hash were allowed to keep boots on as they assemble in the kitchen area, the smell of Chilli filled the air but of more interest was Fergus removing the Crowns from bottles of Bishops Finger, or “the nun’s delight” as he calls it! Things in the Kitchen soon warmed up with all of the Pack squeezing in there.
Mrs Fergus had put out pork scratchings, crisps & cocktail sausages for the greedy to have with their Beers before the main Chilli was served up. The Chilli was spot on & most went around for second helpings, the Hash are like gannets sometimes! The temperature soon rose in the Kitchen, what with the Chilli & the amount of bodies crammed in there!
Those who haven’t been to Chez Fergus “Fergus” M cFergus before were given the tour to see his collection of Tetley teafolk, then the Gollies with a Postman Pat hidden in there like a spot on a domino!
One collection that was of more interest to seasoned Hashers was appreciated when Fergus brought out the old bottle of Jamesons’ & poured out shots for My Lil’ Sperm ‘ead, Mr. X & Anonymous to start with, then he proceeded to go around for anyone else who wanted one. Fergus then showed off an oddity of a Whiskey bottle that had four different types in squat quarter bottles that stack in to each other to make one large one!
Mrs Fergus said to the Mr. X he looked a lot better when he was there last, when he broke down with a heavy cold & slept through from the early evening straight to the morning in their front room without stirring! A few others had to dig up one of the GM’s not so finest hours!
At least when it came to resuming the last part of the Trail it was down hill to start with, it was also only a short way to the Traitor’s Gate for a few more nightcap Ales. Windsock was quick to complain to Mr. X that he had no input of Run Reports on the last Full Moon, due to unfortunate circumstances Mr. X had no time to knock anything up about the last Trail.
The Pack were updated on Max Boyce’s progress, Thunderthighs had been to see him that day & he had also turned out for the recent Essex Hash. It was suggested that everyone sends him a sms (Text) message, the evening went by quickly & it was soon time for the circle to take place on the patio garden.
Among the Down-Downs was the Hare, he was up for setting a Trail of a decent length, Smartarse also called out Fergus as host for another smashing spread laid on by Mrs Fergus “Fergus” M cFergus! Windsock was out for wearing new shoes, well shoe covers! Blow Dry & Bob de Fanny were out for the “Hair-cut”! Anonymous had his after he was awarded the Hashit. The Herts lads were out, serves them right for venturing all the way to Grays, Thunderthighs was out as the only London Hasher there. The list of sinners was a long one, everyone seemed to be up for some trumped up charge, well it was the first Full Moon of 2008!
Eventually it was time to for those with some distance to travel to depart for the Station, it was a good night & worth the hassle of getting over to Grays! Shame the Herts duo missed their planned Train home & ended up getting the last one back, arriving home about 02:00Hrs!
Mr.X
